


I Still Remember

by plumerri



Category: Panic At The Disco
Genre: Hurt/Comfort, M/M, POV Alternating
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2009-11-16
Updated: 2009-11-16
Packaged: 2017-10-03 03:44:31
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,194
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13830
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/plumerri/pseuds/plumerri
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The last thing Ryan remembered was the good times he had with Brendon.</p>
            </blockquote>





	I Still Remember

_I, I still remember  
I, I still remember  
how you looked that afternoon.  
There was only you._

Collingwood suggests that we should look at history from the perspective of the agents involved; we empathize with them to understand their reasons and motivations. We might not entirely know the story behind each of the characters, but together they form an interlinked web of relationships.

This is not a story about interlinked relationships, but of the broken chains.

**1.**

Ryan doesn't recognize the pastel green walls facing him right now, and he thinks, for a minute, that he is in some crazy prank orchestrated by Brendon, because Brendon's favorite colors involve pastel and neon. There is something very wrong. He stops breathing for a moment, and waits for a deranged Brendon, high from imbibing too much sugar, to rush into the room and shouts, "Gotcha!"

He holds his breath. Ten seconds. Twenty.

He lets out a loud sigh. "Brendon, you can come in."

And then he is going to tickle Brendon until they are both laughing senselessly. He remembers how Brendon locks him out of the bus on the last tour, and then he has to sleep in back lounge in The Academy's bus. He waits.

The door opens, but the person coming into the room does not look familiar at all. Ryan believes that he would have recognized Brendon, even if Brendon is dressing as a girl. Because that is definitely a girl who is coming in now. He thinks it's such a cliche already, the joke about Brendon's apple bottom, but he is never sick of it. (Perhaps when he restored the burning bridge between them, he would laugh out loud, at some moment, in the future.) But right now he is trying to cross the bridge, but then the bridge doesn't exist.

The girl took out a sphygmomanometer from one of the drawers of the trolley and started strapping the cuff to his forearms. He waits for the blood to stop, before asking, "How much did he pay you to do this?"

The girl looks confused. That's what pranksters always look like. They pretend. Ryan is used to Brendon's pretense, but sometimes it was fun. "Mr Ross? You got into a car accident, remember?"

"Yeah, I think the bus crashed or something, right? But I'm fine, really. We got out of the bus just in time. Where's Brendon?"

"Mr Ross �" you haven't had any visitors for the past three days you were here. You were in a traffic accident on the 405. You didn't get out of your car in time �" in fact you were in a rather bad shape when we got you here. There was no bus."

Ryan tries to laugh, but something about the girl's face tells him that his memory fails him, again, and that what the girl says might be the scariest truth he's heard..

"If it helps, we've contacted a Mr Walker? According to your records, he's the emergency contact." The girl's face lights up, hoping to get a favorable response from her patient.

Ryan nods, relieved that at least he could recognize the name. Because if there was no bus, then �" then, the possibilities are creeping Ryan out.

**2.**

"I do not want to drink another cup of chamomile tea, Mum, seriously. Do not send me anymore boxes of those stuff!" Brendon almost shouts into his iPhone, but he doesn't, because Pete is staring at him. Pete will love to tweet to the whole entire world that Bden hates chamomile tea and then the next morning DHL would drop boxes of Earl Grey, Chinese, green tea, etc, etc, (all kinds of tea except for chamomile, of course, dear) only (care of Brendon Urie) because Pete could not shut his trap (or stop tweeting). Zack will then proceed to hate on Brendon for around two minutes, before using the teabags in some insane crazy modified childhood game of his.

"Yes, I love you." He locks his phone, and looks at Pete, who is actually making breakfast in the stainless steel kitchen of his and Ashlee in their ginormous house in Hollywood.

"Now, now, Brendon baby, why so much angst, early in the morning?"

"Shut up."

"Up yours. I want to talk to you."

"About him?"

"Yeah, am I that obvious? Have you--"

Brendon interrupts, while watching Pete tossing the salad and adding more vinaigrette to the mixture of green leaves (Brendon wonders if Pete actually knows what kind of vegetables they are) and carrots. "Heard from him? Him, as in the biggest fucking asshole in the world? The stupid guy who decides that I'm not his friend after he decides that I'm uncool for him? The one --"

"I guess not then." Pete stands up and picks out a plate. It is a black melamine one, with a Clandestine bartskull motif on it. ("Not bad, right? I'm planning to launch it with the bed-sheets next month. Maybe I'll bundle it with Fall Out Toyworks.") He puts it down and scoops some hummus on it, and throws some bacon bits on it. Not bad, his first successful attempt in making a breakfast. At least he stops using the stove, this time. He passes the plate to Brendon, who looks at the ensemble with suspicion, before choosing to sip his apple and cranberry juice slowly, and silently rejects Pete's offer.

"Where's Ashlee?"

"With Bronx, out. I think." Pete takes out a fork from one of the drawers and starts to eat what was on his plate. He chews carefully, gives Brendon a thoughtful look and swallowed.

Pete puts down his fork after ten minutes of staring at Brendon, and decides to swallow the crouton in whole. It tastes good, for once, and maybe because all he does is to throw the ingredients all together instead of following the damn cookbook that Ashlee discreetly bought and lay out on the kitchen table last week after he complained that he never got any decent breakfast. He takes a sip from Brendon's glass, and decides that tomorrow, he will wake up early and take breakfast with Bronx and Ashlee, and would go to the park with them. He will become a morning person.

And maybe use the time he will gain (since everyone keeps going on about how you will gain time when you wake up earlier) to look for Ryan Ross, his young Padawan who decidedly turned to the Dark Side a few years ago (as insisted by Brendon Urie). He absolutely makes a point to avoid morning Brendon, and especially morning Brendon with missing Ryan. He forgets his own rule, of course, and here is the result. At least his Blackberry is in the table next to his bed; he couldn't log into to any Twitter clients, but that's only temporary. He will express his bottled up anger to someone else, later.

Brendon stares at his glass, half-empty of the juice that Ashlee pours out for him before leaving the house with Bronx. It is the fifteenth week since Ryan leaves without a by-your-leave, not even to Jon, and maybe this week, this week he will come back to them. And then Brendon will have no need of his weekly visits to Pete's house, to be taunted by Pete. Maybe actually he enjoys this weekly jaunt to Casa Wentz, just to keep the fire burning within him.

 

**3.**

 

Ryan stares at the glass of water. The water inside is so calm, so tranquil, but the glass, if you peer closely, you will be able to see it rippling. That's what he tells the nurse, who informs him that he has a visitor. He doesn't ask who is it, because he doesn't remember anything, anymore. His head hurts a lot, but he doesn't care, because he desperately needs this person to tell him who he is.

Not that he knows a lot of himself.

He sits up straighter, putting the book that he's currently reading (Pygmy by Chuck Palahniuk) on top of the sidetable, and peers at the door. The nurse leaves the room, opening the door for a guy in a rather loud hoodie that seems full of prints. He walks nearer, towards Ryan, and Ryan recognizes Pete. Even without his glasses, Ryan could figure out his boss/ex-crush/enabler pretty much. Then he remembers Brendon.

"Hey."

"Is this like when you OD'ed?"

Pete motions for Ryan to shift away from the edge of the bed so that Pete can take a seat, and takes a long time before answering, "I don't know. What do you know?"

"My head hurts."

"Everything _will_ fucking hurts. How're you feeling?"

"I... Feel out of place." Like he has no idea who he is, like he has forgotten about everyone, the feeling is like as if he was left behind at a truckstop. Like the whole world has left him behind.

"That's what happens to everyone. Dude. Don't ape me. Don't. It's called a fucking disaster. You have totally gone past that stage, remember?"

"No, I don't." Ryan shifts uncomfortably in his position, and Pete laughs. "Oh shit, I forgot. It's that bad, huh, Ross?"

"Really is. Tell me, Wentz, how stupid am I?"

"Very stupid. You broke Brendon and Spencer's hearts."

"Is that why they wouldn't come and see me?"

"No, it's because, you, being a fucking idiot, did not tell them where you've gone to. I'm the emergency contact."

"But the nurse says it's Jon!"

"Yeah, that's what all the girls say. Catch up with you later, I need to go." Pete looks at his Blackberry, and then winks at Ryan, and leaves the room. The nurse comes back into the room, smiles at Ryan, and begins to take his temperature and blood pressure.

The whole conversation leaves a weird feeling in Ryan. It leaves this thirst in Ryan, this need for him to find out about what happened. He needs to know. He has to know, right now. He has to know how badly he has hurt Brendon and Spencer, and, and how is Spencer, his fucking best friend in the whole world, doing? Is Brendon writing stupid lyrics now, about pork and Bogart? Are they coping well?

Then he realizes that he forgets to ask Pete about Jon.

 

**4.**

 

Brendon picks up his phone on a whim, but puts it down, after realizing that Spencer is looking at him intently. When Brendon gives a "What?" expression, Spencer picks up his fork and continues to pick on his salad. Brendon snorts, and signals for the bill, while Spencer gives up his salad in disgust and swallows the entire glass of avocado milkshake to drown the horrible taste of green vegetables. Brendon laughs, prompting Spencer to throw the leftover grapes at him. He ducks, but manages to hit his head on the table.

Brendon lets out a heavy breath, before pausing to sigh. Spencer's left eyebrow raises, and Brendon says, "It's just that sometime I feel that he's really gone. To us. To everyone."

"You are still thinking about him? After --" Spencer raises his hand and starts counting, but Brendon interrupts.

"Four months. Almost. He's your goddamn best friend, Spence!"

"Best friends don't run away without telling each other."

"Am I supposed to sense worry from you, Smith?"

The waiter comes over and takes Brendon's credit card, while balancing the plate of half-eaten salad and the plate that used to house a tofurky burger. Spencer takes the retreating figure of the waiter as the cue to hit Brendon, prompting a very loud "Hey!" and the stares of their fellow diner. The old lady next to them gives Brendon a look that is almost the equivalent of an evil eye, and Brendon giggles.

Life will still go on, without Ryan, he thinks, as they walk out of the restaurant to collect Brendon's car. Sometimes he will get reminded of Ryan, everyone does, for Ryan has been such a big part of his life, but then, sometimes he will forget him. Most of the time, they just happen to slip Ryan into their conversations, but they ignore the fact that the person that they are talking about is not there.

Spencer stops abruptly, almost making Brendon hit a lamppost. Brendon yelps, "What the fuck!" But Spencer's attention is not at Brendon. Pete is standing at the side of Brendon's car, playing with his Blackberry, and seems to be waiting for the two of them.

"Dude, it's goddamn time. You two take ages."

"You could have come in!"

"I don't like vegetarian places. C'mon, we have places to go."

 

**5.**

 

_You said "it's just like a full moon".  
Blood beats faster in our veins  
We left our trousers by the canal  
And our fingers, they almost touched_

Jon helps himself to the grapes and strawberries that are in the basket sent by Alex, while providing a running commentary about Alex and Brendon and Spencer's latest ventures. "What about you?" asks Ryan. Jon pauses, and it is as if he realizes that he is not doing anything new.

"I can't do anything, Ryan. We're a team, no?"

Ryan shifts his eyes, before picking up the strawberry that Jon drops because of his question. It is a good question, he thinks, but it shows that maybe he is being too reckless and childish by running away from everything. It is not as if he is not happy with things then, but he wants more. He always wants more. But now, he does not even know what team it is.

Ryan looks at Jon, who actually has a really sad face on him at this moment, and holds his hand tightly. Jon is surprised by this gesture, but, he smiles back in return. "You see, everything will be fine. Everything is fine." Ryan smiles too, but, really, he is thinking, _what if everything is_ not_ fine_? He does not want to know why the band split up, he tells himself, but then he needs to know in order to learn to deal with this new Jon.

Ryan stretches for Jon's hand, and takes it in his hand and squeezes it so tight that Jon smiles. Jon squeezes Ryan's hand back, and they keep their hands like that for almost a minute, before Jon straightens and says, "Hey dude look at the time. I need to get moving!"

Maybe everyone has gotten used to Ryan's absence. Maybe the split is really good for everyone, like how Brendon and Spencer are so much happier now, maybe. Poor Jon.

There is a knock on the door, and Jon stands up to open it. Ryan hastily puts all the fruits back into the basket, but it is unneeded. Pete, Spencer and Brendon stand in the doorway and Spencer and Brendon look worried. Brendon rushes into the tiny ward and starts to hug Ryan very tightly and says very loudly into Ryan's ears, "Where the fuck were you?"

The problem is, Ryan is not sure whether he knows what's the correct answer to that question.

 

**6.**

 

Brendon picks up the fruit basket (Seriously, how could Jon finish the whole punnet of strawberries?) and throws them into the plastic bag the nurse gives them for them to clear their rubbish. Ryan just sits on the bed, knowing that he probably cannot trust Brendon with the packing, and that he might find his iPod inside the plastic bag, but he lets Brendon be.

It's been awhile for Brendon, and even though Ryan can't feel the emotions, he can read Brendon like an open book. According to Jon, it has been three years since they have parted ways, amicably (according to Jon), but Ryan catches snippets of what happened that year in his dreams. Sometimes he dreams real dreams, but these days he catches back on his old life. It's weird to dream about something that has happened before, but Brendon quips, "It's not weird if you can't remember them."

Ryan looks at Brendon intently, and mutters, "Would it be really bad for me to want to remember it?" Brendon looks up, and shrugs his shoulders. Sometimes Ryan knows that he is as self-destructive as a pre-Bronx Pete, but not everyone has a Bronx to save their lives. Ryan almost has Brendon, but those days are long gone.

Ryan gives a wistful smile and Brendon squeezes his shoulder. He watches Brendon lugs the plastic bag over his shoulders and carries it out the ward, but not before turning back and yells, "Do some work, Ross!" Ryan forces a smile out of his face as he watches Brendon sticking out his tongue. This was last week's dream, where Brendon still has that ridiculous flat-ironed hair and he, well, Ryan has the fauxhawk that accompanied the rose vest.

He snorts at the memory, but he still stands up and tucks all the mortal possessions he accumulated in this past month into the bag that Jon bought him. He wipes the lint of his shirt, takes Brendon's wallet and phone, and walks out of the room to wait for Brendon. He stands next to the door, and observes Brendon as Brendon jokes with the nurses and being his usual effervescent self. It feels just as familiar as before, and, Ryan wishes that things can remain like this.

 

**7.**

 

_You should have asked me for it  
I would have been brave  
You should have asked me for it  
How could I say no?_

 

Brendon can remember that day, when Jon frantically calls Brendon and Spencer, and almost shouts into the phone, exclaiming that Ryan has left a fucking cryptic note that freaking him and Alex out. At first Brendon wanted to reply that he had no more energy to care about that stoner, but he realized that he actually cared.

He still does, of course. The band (Brendon refuses to think that they have split up, really) unofficially voted for Ryan to stay with Brendon and Spencer, and Jon even helps Spencer to set up Ryan's room while Brendon was bringing Ryan home. Everything is going to be all right again, Brendon tells himself. Ryan is as good as new.

Who is he kidding about that, when everyone is aware of what has passed between the four of them, and it's going to be so fucking awkward. Not to Ryan, of course.

Maybe they can rewrite their relationship again. It is not going to be easy, of course, but at least they can try. Whatever "musical differences" they have will not break the band, this time. Brendon nods, and hopes that the rest will agree. He will never learn Ryan's motivations for what happened in 2009, but at least he can try to decipher. It's been too long, and he's going nowhere, but now, maybe it's time for him to stop, and move on.

He looks at the Moleskine in his hand, Ryan's journal during Nothing Rhymes With Circus, and flips open it. The familiar spidery scribbles bring him back to those days when they had to all share a tour bus, and four guys living together is probably the worst idea record execs could come up with. Ryan will spend the night using his black marker to write, write, write out potential lyrics and feelings and observations. Brendon is not sure whether is there a difference, but, hell yes, Brendon misses those days so much. When they were more than just innocent, but more of being ignorant. When they were more than being platonic, but with a little hint of hesitation and teenage awkwardness. He closes the book, when he realizes that the page is getting smudged.

 

**8.**

 

Nobody wants to deny Ryan when he suggests that they, the four of them, book a cabin in the middle of the mountains because everyone can remember what happened in the cabin. Ryan thinks that he knows to a certain extent, but as his dreams of his past dwindle while he is settling into his new home, he can only create new memories. The first thing he wants to do is to go back to the cabin, and write songs that hopefully don't sound like anything of _Pretty. Odd._, even though by all accounts, the songs are not bad, but he �" he feels that the songs don't sound like the band at all. They are his own creations that he forced the band to claim ownership.

To that, he blames himself, but no one faults Ryan.

When Ryan overhears Brendon's phone call with Zack, about how they are going to help Ryan to (re)create his memories by going to the cabin, about how Brendon is fully aware what happened the other time, about how this might go badly, and how Brendon calmly defends Ryan, Ryan can't help but feel a little bit touched. The first night he came out from the hospital, after reclaiming his computer, he frantically went online, in a desperate move, to read all the interviews he could, and he spent the whole morning moping about, and Brendon was so puzzled until Spencer whispered to him over the dinner table about Ryan's Firefox history.

That night, none of them slept properly, and Brendon lay awake the whole night, feeling Bogart and Marley moving about the house.

 

**9.**

 

"You know, that time when Pete brought us to the hospital, you said that you thought that Ryan was lost to us forever?" Spencer observes. Brendon and Spencer are sitting at the dining table, having instant mac'n'cheese for breakfast. Ryan chooses to sleep in on the promise from Brendon that they will wake him up for lunch later. Yesterday night they went to Pete's house and Brendon almost couldn't take it, but he thinks that Ryan is feeling much worse.

Brendon nods, and stirs in more cream into his bowl. Spencer scrunches up his face in disgust, and continues, "I think that maybe he's back to us again. Ever since the accident. It's like 2009 didn't happen at all." Brendon continues to chew on his food, thoughtfully, and then raises an eyebrow when Spencer says, "I think his accident is a good thing."

"But that's not the real Ryan, Spence."

"You want the real Ryan? I'm not sure anyone really knows the real Ryan anymore. Isn't it better to deal with this Ryan, who clearly have no idea the torture he put us through for the past five months, and maybe more?"

To that, Brendon has no reply. The only sound that is reverberating in the room is the collective sounds of the forks hitting against the bowls. And the jaws moving.

Deep down, he agrees with Spencer, because he kind of really likes the old Ryan. He's not sure whether is it even right for them to distinguish Ryan in terms of old and new, because Ryan is still a person, no matter the history.

 

**10.**

 

Brendon picks out the blue bedspread this time, because Ryan complains that red is never his color. "Uh huh, and there goes the rose vest argument." Brendon shrugs his shoulders. The two of them are in Ryan's room, now with a new paisley wallpaper and new bedsheets, because Ryan _demands_.

It has been six months since Ryan has moved in officially into the house, that started with a hell of a night, with the four of them passing out at various places in the house. Jon woke up first, and took a photo of Ryan lying on top of Brendon and Spencer. It was fun, definitely, and now, they are moving on.

Perhaps they will never talk about the motivations and reasons that prompted the move _that time_, perhaps they will continue to laugh when interviewers and J Mont ask them about why the band got back together. Maybe they will tell Ryan some details about what happened that time, but they will not, not now. The peace is too precious for anyone to break up.

Ryan pouts, and pokes Brendon in the waist, and Brendon squeals. All work stops while the two boys start to tickle each other and the commotion even attracts Spencer to join in. Bogart and Marley come in, and start to bark loudly as their owners behave as if they are in a playground.

Later, after a whole entire day of redecorating and cleaning up, they will sit down in the patio, and Brendon and Ryan will take the loveseat, while Spencer raises an eyebrow. Spencer will say, "Oh, god, spare me from all your antics, and don't tell me you guys are going to dry hump on stage again?", and Brendon will nod fervently in favor for that idea. Ryan will pretend to consider and then moves in to kiss Brendon's nose. Brendon puts his arm around Ryan's waist, before pressing his nose in Ryan's neck. He used to love to snuggle with Ryan, and this feels like the old times, like when they tried to sleep together in the same bunk. Even though things have changed. Ryan sighs contentedly while he reciprocates the act, and puts his scrawny arm around Brendon. Brendon hums a tune, that sounds vaguely like an old Celine Dion song, but who cares?


End file.
